


How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies

by the17thmuse



Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [13]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 12:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the17thmuse/pseuds/the17thmuse
Summary: Sakumo Makes Friends in Suna





	How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies

The Forest of Death was originally maintained using the joint efforts of Senju Mokuton and Hatake Famine-grade Plant Food, because—as extraordinary the Wood release is—mere chakra doesn't guarantee nutrients, and those giant animals and plants didn't end up monstrous from just natural chakra exposure. 

There's a reason why the Senju (and then Konoha) still traded for food despite the Mokuton's existence after all.

Sakumo's Hoshikusa-ojisan knew all the stories by heart and could tell it word for word, right down to the 'special effects'.

(And considering the late Shodaime, his best friend, spymaster and successor Madara, then at the time Academy Administrator Tobirama and other advisers' penchants for dramatics during those arguments, a lot of 'special effects' were necessary.)

Kangai-ojisan had always made the best Tobirama impressions. How he managed to be both stern and have a flair for the dramatic is a mystery.

Sakumo hadn't known why, but both creativity and emotion(al outburst)s always came strongly to their particular line for some reason. 

(Everyone else just kept on laughing every time a younger him asked why.)

Years later, Suna was 'encouraged' to ally with Konoha in the Second Shinobi War via a 'trade' of intelligence, resources and expertise, especially in helping with Suna's terra-forming and agriculture efforts for self-reliance.

And they sent Sakumo to do it. Awkward, disaster-prone Sakumo. Who was nothing like the untold terror Kangai (who would have certainly won the war on his own had he the interest to or the authority to take command), or Daizu of the Lightning Blade, or the Face-Thief Nasu, or even Kama the Hurricane (who'd been an utter terror to _everyone_ when he was still alive). Nope. Just him and no other.

What utter ridiculousness. Everyone (in the clan and Oni-en) knew he sucked at farming anything that isn't a fungus. Why do they think he became a shinobi in the first place? 

He took _that_ much after his other father, the non-Hatake one. What kind of trick was the Sandaime trying to pull?

_"You want me to do WHAT?!"_ Sakumo had bristled like an actual cat (and what an insult that was) back then. And maybe, a small part of him decided to be a little petty. Well, he tried to be, anyway.

Being escorted by the Puppet Brigade for a week had been a bit different from his previous experience. Not that he could remember much from his first trip a few months ago, just some feverish impressions of desperate adrenaline-filled running and hiding with circumstantial comrades, slowly bleeding out while drowning in the taste and feel of blood in his mouth and hands, the clinging scent of ozone, and the kaleidoscopic too-aware feeling of being submerged in _danger, pack gone, not-pack hurt, must hunt, protect, **kill**_

This second trip was a bit quiet, actually, the occasional attack from Kiri and Iwa nin aside. None of the engagements were ever big or bloody enough to even rouse the interest of the Desert Spirit Shukaku. It was either that, or the One-Tail was preoccupied in some bloodier part of Kaze no Kuni.

It was so _boring._

So much so that he had near nothing to do except to observe and learn puppetry so thoroughly it earned him the grudging respect of Gumo and Kaiko, in particular. 

_(Since they pretty much forced him to don a ridiculous black cat jumpsuit for Kami's sake—he may as well play the part too!_)

Sakumo may have also developed a fascination with puppets that he will make sure to unfortunately pass on to his future hypothetical son, to Chiyo's eternal chagrin, because _that mangy thief made off with her puppets and her grandson! How dare he!_

To be fair, the kidnapping part was purely accidental. He had ditched the puppeteer uniform and his tour guides (at a safe non-treaty-violating distance) as soon as he possibly could, (after making sure his comrades are all safe and sound, of course) to mope quietly.

That is, until a lost redhead child bumped into him. (The tyke was actually running into his parents behind Sakumo, but he hadn't known that at the time)

And young Sasori made a better tour guide anyway. He's such a nice and sweet child— 

Sasori interrupted his reminiscing with a pout. "Shinobi-san..."

"It's Hatake-san."

"Fine, Hatake-san. Why are you so slow? We're going to run out of sand dumplings and candied scorpion at this rate!"

"Alright, alright," he held his hands up in agreement, exaggerating the length of his strides. "See? I'm hurrying."

The little redhead scowled at him with the ferocity of an angry kitten, and Sakumo had to fight the urge to pinch his cheeks and toss him up in the air. This kid is so cute.

Maybe...he can draw up some sort of arrangement when he has his own little one to spoil? 

The Hatake shinobi's—admittedly slasher, according to a few witnesses—smile widened at the thought.

Elsewhere, the Sandaime Kazekage and his Suna ANBU, Hiruzen, Danzo and their respective ANBU escorts, and the entire Uchiha clan (for some reason) felt that strange spine-tingling feeling of incoming doom when a shinobi is going to pull off something very, very, very stupid.

**Author's Note:**

> (Written 8/17/19)
> 
> So...since I can't find anything in the wiki, Sasori's mother and father are now named Kaiko and Gumo.
> 
> **Warnings:** mentions of PTSD flashbacks and accidental kidnapping, also silliness 
> 
> **Roster:**  
Hoshikusa (hay) [干し草] - Kumade's son and Sakumo's uncle figure, who enabled many of Kangai's schemes and plant projects  
Kangai (irrigation) [潅漑] - self-appointed curator of Training ground 44's monstrous biota, a reserve force shinobi and a close relation of Shiso, possibly a nephew  
Kaiko (silkworm) [蚕] - Sasori's mother; a medi-nin  
Gumo (spider) [蜘蛛] - Sasori's father; a member of the Puppet Brigade  
Daizu (soybean) [大豆] - the Hatake shinobi clan head at the time of the First Shinobi War  
Nasu (eggplant) [茄子] - a Hatake shinobi who is teammates with Yosa Aburame and Shinsui Uchiha  
Kama (sickle) [鎌] - a Hatake elder who was once the shinobi clan head
> 
> Oni-en (Demon Garden) [鬼園] - Konoha's Landscaping and Gardening Army, unofficially put together by Kabocha Hatake as an organization of makeshift gardeners and originally composed of only Hatake members; Daizu added retired and reserve shinobi and non-shinobi to the roster and it became an organized paramilitary unit.  
  
**Sources:**  
_Sakumo and the fascination with Suna's puppets _  
\- Fatherhood by Minnionette (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8891932/1/Fatherhood)  
\- Hatake Asylum by HermioneeBlack (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10384274/1/Hatake-Asylum)


End file.
